Duke Nukem Forever aka Blue Balls: The Game

      What can I say about this turd that hasn't already been said? We've waited years to play a shitty game. The game is just fucking boring and linear. The game has no redeeming qualities and is a chore to play. You may ask "Why bother playing it then?" and I would respond "hope." I played this game to the end hoping it would get better, but it never did. This game did everything wrong; the shooting, the driving, the platforming and everything else is just horrible. It pains me to be so harsh because I loved the original Duke 3D, but this game is just terrible. I am going to list some of this game's faults:

• The combat sucks, because enemies feel like sponges that just take a lot of damage without reacting to it.
• The two weapon system is garbage, along with your weapon variety. You've been developing the game for years and yet you can't even bring out a new good weapon. That is just pathetic.
• The driving is garbage, because it is just boring and annoying.
• The story sucks, and nobody cares about the paper thin plot, so stop putting invisible walls everywhere and let me punch any asshole kid that gets in my way. I am playing a Duke Nukem not a crossing guard.
• Speaking of invisible walls; this game is too linear, and that just makes it boring. There is only one way to do things, and that is the most boring way possible.
• The strip club is out of place. You get knocked out, and end up at a strip club somehow. Don't get me wrong, the strip club is a staple in the Duke Nukem games, but the implementation was poor. It should be part of a mission hub, and not a level with a fetch quest.

        This game could've been a lot better, but the devs or the designer decided to fuck it up. Notice that I never mentioned the graphics, because they may suck, but it was known for a long time that they were using the unreal engine 2.5. The game didn't have to suck this bad, but sadly it does. They should've just added a strip club to Wolfenstein, and called it Duke Nukem; because even though Wolfenstein was bad, it is still a better game than Duke Nukem Forever.


        If anyone from Gearbox or the ashes of 3D realms is reading this; I want you to know that I do want another Duke Nukem game, but it has to be done right. Plan the game before you make it, and have set deadlines. If you can't do that then you don't deserve to be living off of your publishers, and should go independent. Lastly it shouldn't take 15 years to produce a game with a budget and team like yours. Any crappy studio can pump out a crappy game in two years or less, but it took you 15 to do the same. Remove the restrictions that you are placing on yourself and on gamers, and make something great.

I hate Age of Empires Online

             Well okay, I don't hate it, but I am disappointed. I started playing this game in its closed beta, and while I didn't love it I did believe that it had potential to become a better game than what is was. Flash forward to its release and I find that it is slightly better than the closed beta, but it is still a skeleton compared to its predecessors.
              I remember it being announced as a free to play game when i first heard about it, and there is nothing wrong with that; but I do have a problem with the fact that I am always getting hit with a paywall. Right around the third or fourth quest you get a reward that is only available to premium members, so you think "no big deal its a nice item but I'll just sell it and continue playing." The real problem comes when you accept a quest that you cannot abandon and it leaves an item in your inventory that you can't get rid of. As a free player your inventory is very limited so this is kind of a douche move to pull. They give you an item that you cannot destroy, nor sell, nor abandon the quest to get rid of. The only thing you can do with the item is use it, but you can't use it unless you pay. That is not a nice move guys.

          I know that little rant was a bit biased since I was playing for free, but lets discuss other issues that I have with the game; like the lack of multiplayer features. As far as I could tell there is only one game type available for 1v1 and 2v2, and that is the standard age up mode. There is no deathmatch nor custom maps; maybe they will add some pay custom maps like Dota, but I do not know. What I do know is that your play options are sparse, and I'm a bit disappointed by it when I see the amount of options in the older games. 

          The features of multiplayer are lackluster, but let us talk about what is there. From what I hear the pay pvp is very unbalanced in favor of gear, and this could be a problem if you aren't lucky enough with drops or can't get any crafted or trades from other players. Pay players should have an option to play without gear that way the game is fair and about skill. Free players are separate from the pay players, but are more limited in options when playing pvp since free players can't build an arena in their city. Overall, I felt the gameplay was okay as a free player, but I am not sure how I would feel if i had payed.

          As a free player a feel a bit wronged, but looking past the fact that the free players are severely gimped it still feels like an unfinished game. A lot of features are missing, and the only things to do are quest, pvp, and trade. I am also not a big fan of the art style, the greenish yellow grass makes it look some one peed on my screen. I hope that in a year I can look back at this article, and consider it outdated and wrong, but at the moment I feel that this game isn't worth paying for. I played the game for about a week then I just got bored. There are no epic 4v4 just 1v1 and 2v2, and that is disappointing.